Have I found a girl?

Probably not, but still, she holds my focus, until her true interest sweeps her away, at least.

Such is my life, it seems.

So much else falls victim, but then, when has my life ever had focus outside of a girl, truly?

Your kind is too influential to me, it seems, though, what am I to do?

Ha!  Whatever, as if any of you, dear readers, care, not after I've scorned and left it all behind.  It's easier, to leave, rather than be judged, or expected.

What is life without progression, and I aim to be the hero of this world....big picture, forgetting those I step on in my achievements.

Am I really so callous?

Do I care?  Do I even think about it?

Of course I do, but then, would you forgive?

No, most likely not....thus life goes on.

I apologize, for what little it's worth, and hope that someday we may cross paths again.

This will only bring scorn, hate, and resentment.  You will not wish me to be as I am, or anything but a dog licking your boot in obedience, perhaps.

Prove me wrong, if you care to.

If you truly care, despite my offense, and are not Aeryk, Sabina, or Peter, then say so.

Can you truly deal with me?

Could you put aside my vacancy?

Or is this the end?  I'm curious.  Are there those that would forgive?  Or have I been fatally judged.
Perhaps, you should forget me entirely.  That is fine too; we'll all meet again in the end anyway....thus sayth the commander of good and evil.  Amen.

I am not good, not yet, but at the expense of all else that holds any awkwardness and negativity, I will live my life; any that oppose my decisions, be damned.

I've walked too long on eggshells, I'm tired of feeling unworthy; I know I am, but I need not answer to you, nor any living thing. 

Can you have an outwardly imperfect friend?  Or must your kind say the right words, and act the right part at all times; never once letting on that they may be imperfect?

Who knows. 

I am.  That's all that matters.  I judge myself, more than anyone else ever could, and it is that which spurs me to greater achievements. 

Let this be the end for some in my life; you are better off as a result.  I have taken a different path, and it is no prize to be my friend.  Yet, if you can forgive my arrogant absence, then I would like to give it another go.

If not, no animosity, in fact, no anything at all.  Simply, may your life be filled with happiness, and never more hardships than will grant you constructive strength ongoing.

That's it, I think.  I now go to sleep.  Rest well.  I do not hesitate in posting this, as I've nothing to lose, yet much to gain, if anything.  Who knows, either way....let my actions either reap hate or begrudged forgiveness.

Life will always go on....but now, I rest....with a sore throat....ah well.

Perhaps, I shall shall sleep better tonight than I have....there is one difference, but still, it is artificial at best....again, ah well.

****

G'night all.  Pleasant life ahead, for what it's worth....

What's the point?

On this day, Monday, the first day of the first full week of the new year, I....


*  Brought lunch from home, instead of buying "fast food" of some sort, which I've been living on....for far too long.
*  Went to Wild Oats and got some "tea tree oil" toothpicks to curb my smoking....a week clean, and this time, for good.
*  Made my billing at work, which has been a concern for quite some time now, but I think I'll be fine to maintain as long as I stay focused.
*  Have completed the first week of meds I had left over....and registered for benefits so that I might continue to take them henceforth.
*  Canceled my World of Warcraft account, as it steals too much of my life.
*  Actually bought a gym membership at 24 Hour fitness....and finally plan on leveling myself, instead of a video game character.

* Also worked out for the first time in....ever....and am....rather tired.  I figure I'll get something to eat here in a bit, but first (since i also just came back from the market....which i plan on doing more of), I'm going to soak in the bath with some funky smelling salt (another first, like really, I honestly can't remember the last time I took a bath, but, a soak sounds good....since, i may have pushed myself a little too hard for the first go....especially without fully having my lungs back yet).

A good day....and the first steps on a path I've always known to take, but haven't....'til now.

****

So....yeah. 

No aggression.  No condemnation.  No heavy toned words of future triumph or victory. 


....


Just one foot in front of the other, until I'm there.  Slow.  Steady.  Realistic.

(and, maybe a victory speech when i finally do succeed, since, i am me, afterall)

****

Now, let's see if I remember how to draw a bath....

Good....fucking....riddance....

Huh....

****

....I only said it'd be worth it.

Some thing's just aren't up to you, fortunately.  A lot is, hence why you're going through what you are right now, but a few things are rooted so deep in the makeup of that which you are, on a basic and all consuming level that when certain chords are struck, it doesn't matter, you will act.

And act I did.

Even got all the way up to a window, which showed me that everything was alright, before turning around and heading back to the car.  The adrenaline proves I'd have probably not been 100% on things had I gone through with it, but still, sometimes a man (not even a knight) has to act.

Luckily enough there're a few knights left in this world it seems, and an awkward moment was avoided.

(still, i acted, which tells me i'm not totally lost, to anything, and that's at least worth a few exp, hey?)

****

This week was stressful, more than I''l say, but all in all I think it helped.  I feel like there really are options for me to embrace more the life I wish to live.  It'll suck, especially now in the beginning, but in the long run this transition is what I need, if I am ever to make anything of myself. 

And that's why I'm here.

Ain't no way I'd still be here if there weren't SOME reason; something I have yet to do.  I've given God more than one chance to take me home or cast me down, and yet here I remain.  Ha!  And if these past couple weeks ain't been the divine slap in the face I needed, I don't know what COULD be.  Seriously, at times, it's almost been laughable.  Ah whatever, sometimes things need to get to such a point where even a total dunce like me gets it.  And no, I ain't claimin' to be "all better" by any means; no, that'll take time.  'Cause really, I'm not broken, just, lost a bit, bummed out, worn down?  Nothin' that can't be repaired and rebuilt with time.  And time, is something I have more of; I just need to spend it wisely.

Today I went and got some things I've needed for, well, a while now.  Tomorrow I hit up the market, finish running errands, and prepare for the week ahead.  Peter's Bday Monday, Dad's Tuesday, and since we made our monthly goal at work, I get Wednesday off in addition to Thursday and Friday; 5 day weekend, yo!

Yeah, we'll see.  Next Sunday I'm scheduled to help with the making of a turkey, so, hopefully I don't botch that.  Can't say the shame and guilt I feel towards that group ain't gonna have some effect, but then, I was invited, so maybe it's not too late.

****

One should never ask for forgiveness, as it does nothing but ease the mind of the requester, and nothing to alleviate the harm against the forgiver.  Instead, one should seek to learn from ones wrongful actions, look to not repeat similar things in the future, and become a better person to those offended initially, and all others one is in contact with henceforth. 

You can live your life always regretting, succumbing to guilt, and never being able to change the scars left in time.  Or, you can repent, learn, and continue with life knowing you may yet again fail and cause grief, but try your best to minimize the evil, and uphold the good.

I am sorry.

I cannot apologize enough.

But I hope to someday mend the bridges I've marred with callous acts and depressive absence.  I am, in some ways, a lot worse off than I even thought.  Time will help me build, and grow, and strengthen.  I wish to be a man you may all be proud of, and even, a man I would be proud to be.  I realized not long ago that I've not cared, about some really basic things, for a long time now.  If I can learn focus, and incorporate some better life maintenance skills, I might yet make it someday to "level 1 human".

And from there, who knows?

****

I think I might go for a walk.  'Not too cold out, plus I've been trying to do that more, and it's too late for laundry.  Yeah, I think I will.

I should probably do some laundry, and run by the market really quick for hair stuff, and, oh yeah, steal something to pack my shit in from Dads, as I have no luggage....

4 hours 'til take off, huh?  Yeah, that should be enough time.

(have to allow time for the requisite strip search due to my traveling light and buying tickets so late.)

****

Viva Arizona.  At least it's warm there....

Well, shit.

Fuck this, I don't get it.  Not.  At.  All.

(maybe next monday, we'll see.)

****

So I was moved around at work today.  I'll no longer share an office with the girl that seems ever more intent on hookin' up with me (seriously, no, dude, I mean, come on.  this shit's hittin' me, hard, how the fuck could i even THINK about anything else? And besides, downtime's the only way i'll get to where i need to; yeah, no, even if i have to cut 'em off and keep 'em in a fuckin' jar.  no.), and will now enjoy a view over looking the entire Flatirons Mall, and incidentally, the beauty of the front range.  Seriously, 8th floor up, overlooking the mountains?  Can't complain, not a bit.

But, of course, I still do.

****

This weekend I go to witness a pair of really incredible people betrothed to each other tie the knot.  Admittedly, I might not be in the best of "yeay marriage" spots in my life right now, but that don't matter a lick.  These two are somethin' special.  Something to identify what "love" should be all about.  They're totally into one another, share life together, and you can just see it in their eye; that thing called love.  Heh, well, shit, I ain't gonna get into it, except to say that I'm happy for them, and highly fortunate that they are the forgiving type, as anymore, I find that's what I need most.

*sigh*

Yeah, well....

You know, I just had an image pop up.  Of a time when things were, simpler?  When the pairing was different, long before anything took place.  When friends were known, and awkwardness, was sorta fun.  Too late then, still, but damn, how is it that life can be SO different a scant few years later?  I don't get it.  But then, I'm a pretty daft one, huh?  Slow to get the picture, and stubborn to a goddamn fault.  Shit, were I any more fucked up, I'd be a cracked out coke addict suckin' code from another rock.

Ha!  Well, at least that ain't me.  I got, stuff.  And a job.  A car.  And dammit, I know what's right, and try to uphold it!  Albeit not very often, and usually rather shabbily, but still, I try.  There are a might plenty guys out there that don't.  They take, and fuck shit up, and don't pay a damn about any but their own.  Well, yeah, at least I've a good heart leadin' my way.  I'm nice enough.  Maybe lackin' in a great many other things, but shit, I at least bring white chips to the table, hey?

That's right, I do.

Tch.  But still, I don't get it.  Eh, hell, when it's all said and over, I don't right need to.  Just so long as my ticker ain't up, and I've time to amend the sins I've caused.  Turn things 'round a bit.  Maybe even end up, happy.

Heh, yeah well, no holdin' breath on that one....

Well, let's not write a fuckin' fantasy novel here, hey?  You're right, I'd best tend to what needs tendin' before I shove off for the weekend.  Time away, to focus on other, happier things.  Might clear my head a bit.  Who knows.

I do know this.  I don't have to go to work tomorrow, and that's right on.  No stress of "what was I doing next?" for a few days at least, and come Monday, I've an abatement to write; one I've literally been trying to finish up all week, were it only not for the constant "hey Mike, do this too" goin' on.  I don't mind certainly, rather, I enjoy it, but damned if it doesn't wear me out, and cause my head to spin.

****

Well, enough o' that.  Have a good night, and may your lives be fairing....well enough.

How do I start this, but to say, queens are royalty, and knights are in the service of such.

Queens are regal, beautiful, and command the attention and affection of others.  Knights wage war, fight against many hardships, and if they are lucky, someday find their damsel in distress.  A queen would have many suitors , all noble, as she is, and who shall woo her with the finest riches in the land.  A knight knows only the victory through his blade, the protection of his armor, and courage that comes from within.

A queen should not settle, for she is of higher birth, and as such, requires one fitting of her.  One that can offer her a life truly suited towards happiness throughout the years.  Her sheer presence demands love, and captivates all that dare look upon her.  She is all that any could ever want, but not one for any; truly a class above.

A knight endures challenge, and hopes to overcome it.  He will fight, both tooth and nail against dragons and villains alike.  He is righteous, honorable, and stands ready to serve his queen and country alike.

But the two shall never end together.

The queen lives high away in her castle, as the knight guards from a distance.  No matter the love he has for his queen, she must remain afar, for such romance could never be.   He will die young in her name, and be content, for she must live on as a shining star to light the way for all those around her.  She is leagues above him, and all that he hopes to achieve.  This is fine, however, as both have their place, purpose, and duty in this life.

Should the queen ever decide, it will be a king that graces her steps.  A knight may one day slay the dragon holding a princess, at best, or perhaps the dragon will slay him.  No matter.  The knight knows no fear, and will fight on; a life of strength and valor.

....

I am no knight.

I am but a peasant; with a dream.

I hope to someday put down the hoe, and pick up the sword.  Closet my burlap clothing for a suit of metal and chain.  Charge heroically into battle for the good of the queen and all else in the land.

I shall.

Someday.

But currently, I have fields in need of tending.  Once I can prove myself a worthy pawn, perhaps then shall I bend on one knee and take my oath.  Until that day, I shall practice; swing wooden swords, and dreaming of a time where I might become, more.  Dreams are all I can muster now, but soon, I hope to make such dreams a reality. 

****

Life's hard.  Full of twists, turns, and ambitions unfulfilled.   I am, not at my best right now.  It seems life's gotten the better of me as of late, but that's not to say I'm done.  It hurts, of course it does.  Thoughts and memories plague me, and sometimes I can't shake them, but that was a dream not intended for me, and upon waking, I know what I must do.

Sadly, I'm still weak from having only just awoken.  My arms feel like lead, and my eyes still burn from the brightness of light.  I am feeble, unsure, and a bit scared.  But I shall acclimate.  My eyes will open, and I shall see the path that lies in front of me.  Walking is hard, as my legs still tingle with numbness, but feeling will return to them soon.

And when they do, I shall stand, and walk the path I've always known to be in front of me.  It is a trail so long forgotten that the brambles and trees have all be reclaimed it.  I see it, however buried within the foliage.  I know it's there, and if need be, I will hack the path clean with my blade.  The thorns shall not pierce my armor, and when I finally face my dragon, be he guarding a princess fair, riches beyond imagine, or nothing at all, I will slay him, or die trying.  This is my lot.  This is my purpose.  A sword in the name of justice and righteousness.

Such is the life of a knight.  Such is the life I am compelled to follow.  This is not my choice, for it is deeper that thought; it is within the very essence of my being.  This, I must do.  And although I hate that I am not there now, I must remain focused, take it one step at a time, and realize that there is a time and place for everything; both recession and progression.  The ebb and flow of life.

Now, I lick my wounds, and take time to mend.  I rely on the crutch of things I must someday leave behind, and take each moment as it comes.  Small steps at first.  Basic needs, followed by the building of the self.  Finally there will be a time when I can hold my head up high, and brashly proclaim my readiness.  I fear I am still a ways away from this, but as long as I hold my goal closely, it shall not escape me, and I will one day find myself embarking upon my journey.

Soon.

Please let it be soon.

This is the wish of a peasant, who would be a knight, and perhaps someday, rule his own kingdom.  It starts with a dream, and ends in reality.  Let this be my destiny, by my own hand, and by the grace of all that is good. 

Grant me the strength to be more than I am, and more than I even think I can be.  Let me serve, and die valiantly in such service.  Use me to a ends that will better those around me; my queen and countrymen alike.

And if not, then so be it, I shall take the strength I need myself, and all else be damned!  I will succeed!  I will overcome!  I will make this world my own!

....

As soon as my soul mends, and body once again obeys me, that is, of course.

****

Tomorrow, is another day.

Sadness, consumes me.

....

Damn, I'm tired.  Wore out, more like.  An' this weekend's not going to help any, bein' that'll be out on the plains, chasing imaginary deer, cold, and wishing I was at home with a beer, doing nothing.

Ah well; so it goes.  No parties for me, though, 'don't know if I'd go anyway; 'just not feelin' it, hey?  

I don't know.  Eh, whatever.  

2 hours to go, followed by mad packing I've not yet done, and then a 3 hour trip to the middle of nowhere.

....yep.

****

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

I should have internet back up later on this evening, so, well see.

****

Maybe I am sad.

****

I do appreciate everyones concern right now, I just, yeah.  'Hard to bring ones self around sometimes.

****

It's cold.

Not dead.  My internet at home is on the fritz, and I need to call Comcast to get it resolved.  Until then, breif moments at work are all I get.

Life's odd, and confusing, but maybe in a good way?  I try to just roll with things for the time being, since I don't know, and fill my time with the various things that need to get done.  I must admit that it is interesting in its randomness.  I look forward to seeing how things continue.

Work is busy, I'm learning a lot, though for the next while yet, it's going to be stressful having to cram my mind with everything.

Your concern is appreciated, but I'm fine.  Or if not completely so now, I will be at some point.  I ask for patience if I can, and failing that, acceptance that I must do what I have to in coping with the realities I face.

Last week was a bit of a downward turn, but I'm trying to ride the current upswing I'm on.  Focus within.  Do what  I need to get by, and build strength where I can.  I am strong, I just need to remember that.  And not let things drag me down.  

Stand by me if you find worth.  Let me go if you don't.  I am human.  I will fail at time.  But ultimately, I shall succeed.

A long way to go, I know, and there an certainly trials ahead, but small steps will keep me moving.  I just need to remember this, and stay focused.  

Be zen.

Yeah....

But whatever though, right?

****

Poltergeist was entertaining on the big screen.

****

I won (literally) 1 dozen (yes, I figured I should stop at 12) toys from the D&B wonder catcher machine.  There were some girls that wandered over and thought it funny that I'd won so many, so I told them if they wanted any of the plushies, they'd be welcome to them; they each took one of their choice.  I donated the rest, but kept 4 for decorations; oh yeah, they were all halloween toys, so, now I've a few more decorations.

I think I'll look into getting more this weekend to decorate the place up a bit.  We'll see.

****

Tomorrow I get off work at 1pm (after working through my normal 12pm - 1pm lunch) and will be going to the Hibachi place at the Promenade; my team won it's monthly incentive apparently, and I get to reap the benefits.  I plan on getting as tanked as my coworker who's going with, and since she's a drinker, I should end up fairly sauced.

And yeah, I remember my previous promise to wait 'til the weekend to drink any, but like I said, I'd jinxed myself at that very moment to have a shitty time and end up needing a drink, and what can I say, except that I ain't that strong yet.  Yet.  Someday, maybe, but right now, shit, I got no where else to go.

(and yes, tonight was no exception)

If that disappoints you, so be it.  I'll just have to accept it, since I'm plum out of care right now.  Better to not feel at all, hey?  Yeah, I know, the sauce is talkin' for me at this point, so I'd best keep my yap shut.

****

I miss Dan and Jacqueline.  I'd like to be able to hang out with them more on a regular basis.

****

I know I should sleep, but I'm not ready yet, so, I think I'll watch so Berserk first.  Yep.  Such is my life.  At least I get Japanese food and drinks tomorrow, so, sleep can suffer a bit.

(i wonder if i'll ever get to sleep at a decent time again.  as long as i'm entertained, i suppose i don't care really.  though now, i'm not very entertained)

That's my que; g'night everybody....

Well, this is pretty much what I figured my first week'd be, hey?  Come home from work every night, tired as all hell, and then immediately turn around and do something with whatever residual energy I can muster.  It's a transition I suppose.  Besides, for me all around, it's better to just stay busy.

And, I don't know.  I mean, I'm tired, but since I left my ID at home last night, I didn't drink any.  Although beer usually goes hand in hand with vball, I sort of don't want to drink tonight either.  Heh, there goes my extremist mode again; at least it's manifesting in a favorable manner, I suppose.

So yeah, I think I'll stay dry this week, and maybe wait for the weekend.  Of course, shit, now I've totally jinxed myself, and will have nothing but puree horse fuck for the rest of this week, and'll have no means to take the edge off.  Well fuck, if it happens, it happens.  'Can't be hidin' in a bottle anyway.

Ah well, 'guess that's where stayin' busy comes in, hey?

'Best be gettin' ready for vball; seems like I just got home, and now I'm already leaving again. 

(oh wait, that's EXACTLY what happened)

****

No rest for the wicked I suppose.  'Think tonight'll consist of making dinner, running my rent check....shit, I still need to pick up that package; should've done that Sunday like it was suggested.  Eh.  I'll do it....tomorrow....maybe.  But yeah, rent check, maybe jog if I feel like fuckin' He-Man later after all that, then crash out/die of exhaustion. 

Hey, it's a life.