Ain't nothin' like a good whiskey; warms from the inside out.
I think I'll write a bit here, since too many people read my facebook, and take it to heart....
It's a frustrating time right now, you know? Last year sucked to the end, with the one exception being my getting some additional funding, but otherwise, shit, where do I begin? Easy, I don't, and let us never speak of it again.
Well, I will mention that the lose of a close friend did set me back some. Hell, she was only 2 years older than me, but more than that, she was the wife of another good friend of mine. Tch, to lose the love of your life....I mean, that's only something I've been looking for my entire life, until a few years ago and have since given up on, but still, for someone to have found it and lose it? Yeah, I know, I above anyone else I know can rationalize and justify such a thing to even be "for the best", but still....fuck man, that's a lot to deal with. And it only supports my whole solitaire lifestyle. Well, that and I have increasingly less in common with everyone around me. Wife, kids, house, career, forms of entertainment that actually entertain you?....not me....I'm just here, trying to remember why I am, and otherwise just passing the time.
Of course whenever anyone hears this, they usually respond with "come over and hang out"....(so you can feel even more like a third wheel and have your face unintentionally rubbed into a lifestyle you'll never have)....who would have thought ones life could take such a bleak turn upon hitting 30, as if it'll get any better the older I get, and yes, there were a few years leading up to it that sucked too, but damn, when the only other person you know who's in your predicament is so because they recently lost their wife....that sucks. It really sucks for him, knowing exactly what his life is now going to be like. Eh, he does seem to have a better grasp on interaction with others than I do; doesn't think too much on it or expect too much from it. And it's not like I'm even looking to change my single status; hell no, I can't deal with my own shit, how am I suppose to take on someone elses? No, I just wish everyone I knew wasn't so damn joined at the hip; that I could go hang out with one without the other, or have them come here (after I clean up a bit of course). I do have a few friends whom I don't "think" I've pissed off entirely that I could theoretically go do things with, but again, going out get's expensive, and I've never gotten over my obligation to pay for everything. So, I just sit here, bored, telling myself it's for the best.
It's just hard to want to do anything, or motivate yourself to be more, when there's no brass ring to shoot for....eh, it's probably just the weather that has me so frustrated....stupid snow and being cold. What I really need is a set of weights....and a sexy personal trainer....or, you know, just the weights. I'd get a gym membership, but I've only found that to work when I had someone to go with; otherwise my new found dislike for people when I'm sober'd prohibit me from continually going. Eat and exercise....it's what I try to focus on instead, but that damn "why" keeps coming back to me....also, I have very little extra room in my apartment. One step at a time....clean a little each day, get this place in order, and go from there. I guess then I'll feel less blah, and that's something.
Alright, enough droning on; time for something else.