Swallow Counter

With nothing to lose....

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 08:28:17 GMT

Have I found a girl?

Probably not, but still, she holds my focus, until her true interest sweeps her away, at least.

Such is my life, it seems.

So much else falls victim, but then, when has my life ever had focus outside of a girl, truly?

Your kind is too influential to me, it seems, though, what am I to do?

Ha! Whatever, as if any of you, dear readers, care, not after I've scorned and left it all behind. It's easier, to leave, rather than be judged, or expected.

What is life without progression, and I aim to be the hero of this world....big picture, forgetting those I step on in my achievements.

Am I really so callous?

Do I care? Do I even think about it?

Of course I do, but then, would you forgive?

No, most likely not....thus life goes on.

I apologize, for what little it's worth, and hope that someday we may cross paths again.

This will only bring scorn, hate, and resentment. You will not wish me to be as I am, or anything but a dog licking your boot in obedience, perhaps.

Prove me wrong, if you care to.

If you truly care, despite my offense, and are not Aeryk, Sabina, or Peter, then say so.

Can you truly deal with me?

Could you put aside my vacancy?

Or is this the end? I'm curious. Are there those that would forgive? Or have I been fatally judged.
Perhaps, you should forget me entirely. That is fine too; we'll all meet again in the end anyway....thus sayth the commander of good and evil. Amen.

I am not good, not yet, but at the expense of all else that holds any awkwardness and negativity, I will live my life; any that oppose my decisions, be damned.

I've walked too long on eggshells, I'm tired of feeling unworthy; I know I am, but I need not answer to you, nor any living thing.

Can you have an outwardly imperfect friend? Or must your kind say the right words, and act the right part at all times; never once letting on that they may be imperfect?

Who knows.

I am. That's all that matters. I judge myself, more than anyone else ever could, and it is that which spurs me to greater achievements.

Let this be the end for some in my life; you are better off as a result. I have taken a different path, and it is no prize to be my friend. Yet, if you can forgive my arrogant absence, then I would like to give it another go.

If not, no animosity, in fact, no anything at all. Simply, may your life be filled with happiness, and never more hardships than will grant you constructive strength ongoing.

That's it, I think. I now go to sleep. Rest well. I do not hesitate in posting this, as I've nothing to lose, yet much to gain, if anything. Who knows, either way....let my actions either reap hate or begrudged forgiveness.

Life will always go on....but now, I rest....with a sore throat....ah well.

Perhaps, I shall shall sleep better tonight than I have....there is one difference, but still, it is artificial at best....again, ah well.

****

G'night all. Pleasant life ahead, for what it's worth....

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 02:39:02 GMT

What's the point?

First steps of a new year.

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 03:19:35 GMT

On this day, Monday, the first day of the first full week of the new year, I....

* Brought lunch from home, instead of buying "fast food" of some sort, which I've been living on....for far too long.
* Went to Wild Oats and got some "tea tree oil" toothpicks to curb my smoking....a week clean, and this time, for good.
* Made my billing at work, which has been a concern for quite some time now, but I think I'll be fine to maintain as long as I stay focused.
* Have completed the first week of meds I had left over....and registered for benefits so that I might continue to take them henceforth.
* Canceled my World of Warcraft account, as it steals too much of my life.
* Actually bought a gym membership at 24 Hour fitness....and finally plan on leveling myself, instead of a video game character.

* Also worked out for the first time in....ever....and am....rather tired. I figure I'll get something to eat here in a bit, but first (since i also just came back from the market....which i plan on doing more of), I'm going to soak in the bath with some funky smelling salt (another first, like really, I honestly can't remember the last time I took a bath, but, a soak sounds good....since, i may have pushed myself a little too hard for the first go....especially without fully having my lungs back yet).

A good day....and the first steps on a path I've always known to take, but haven't....'til now.

****

So....yeah.

No aggression. No condemnation. No heavy toned words of future triumph or victory.

....

Just one foot in front of the other, until I'm there. Slow. Steady. Realistic.

(and, maybe a victory speech when i finally do succeed, since, i am me, afterall)

****

Now, let's see if I remember how to draw a bath....

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 07:01:09 GMT

Good....fucking....riddance....

2007.

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 06:52:35 GMT

Huh....

****

January: Fuck, me....
Alright, I want to say this right now....I'm sorry.

February: Superficial Moment
So, when does "pretty" give way to "handsome"?

March: Man Whore for Sale!
....not necessarily me, but I promise I'll still find you a man whore; just make sure all money transactions go through me.

April: I have a plan, now all I need is to get there.
Step 1. Balance self out with meds.

May: I'm so fucking stressed right now, I've even started spacing things I do MINUTES AFTER I DO THEM!

June: I'm not going to get into it, as those that should, already know, and those that don't, probably don't need to.

July: *sigh*

Today, is not a "good" day.

August: I can't even say how pissed off I am right now.
If I'm late once more, I'll be fired.

September: These eyes of mine....
....are changing.

October: Work....Day #1
Gaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.......

November: Sadness, consumes me.

December: 2007.
Huh....

I never said it would be easy....

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 05:29:25 GMT

....I only said it'd be worth it.

****

It's not easy. And timing, being one of my weaker points, yet again dictates that I take on one of the darkest chapters in my life alone. I'm not out of the woods yet, but, I've set myself up to be that way, and soon, too. I'll be better for it. I'll be stronger for it. Hell, I might even reach my dream because of it.

But for now, it sucks.

All I can think about is how quite it is. Although there are lights on, it still seems lifeless. A place that I exist in, and hide when I need to; far from a place I'd gladly call home. But, it's mine, I will give it that. My little spot of land to do within as I will.

Though, it's not so much the place itself, as it is, the silence. I years past I might have the television on for background noise, or possibly even doing something. Now, if I'm not on the computer, or watching a movie/family guy, I'm asleep, and that's about it.

I feel very bored with this place. I don't know if it's the set up, or that even though I own everything here, it doesn't feel like mine. Nothing does, actually. Like, yeah I have stuff, but I don't connect with anything. I wear the clothes I have due to work necessity or that people have given me. I drive my grandfathers car. I bought furniture and a bed because I needed one, and black goes with everything. Really, necessity or gift; that describes everything I have.

Hmm, that might be another issue I have to look into. Later. I've enough going on now as is. And right now, I need to maintain, cut out the rot my overindulgent life has digressed to, and start building a secure foundation for the rest of my stay.

I've realized something as of late. In all my heroic selflessness, non-confrontationalism, and easygoing life style, really, it all stems from a sense of "I don't care about myself". Honestly. I wreck cars, almost offing myself in the process: I don't care. I'm not in school (right now) and I don't have a degree: I don't care. I'm shit with relationships of any kind; either holding onto friends, or romantic "love": I don't care. I have a drinking problem, hide in the bottle and otherwise use it as a shield when things get tough, and life has been sliding downhill ever since earlier this year, and has continued to grow (at times) unimaginably worse, on all front, and depression has it's talons stabbing deeper into me than I have heart enough to pierce: I've been dry for a week now.

Small steps.

Shit. I know, I ain't perfect. I gave up smoking too, but today was a hectic day, and I had one. Just one. I was seriously fuckin' tempted to buy just one more "last" pack of cigs, but I settled for just the one, and still feel bad for that. But SHIT did I feel better after having it. *sigh* And yeah, I do have that one crutch left, and part of me fears when it's gone. But the other side of me knows that it's a finite fix, and although I could certainly get more, I shouldn't, I can't, I have to ween myself off of everything altogether, and learn to live life....sober.

Ha! How funny is that? I mean, really, maybe you don't (no, actually, I hope you don't) understand, but shit, looking back, I enjoyed a lot of my down time intoxicated. It's fun, it makes me happy, and when life is shit, it allows me to wade through it without feeling like shit. Why WOULDN'T I want that? Why not make this life easier, and not care, and instead be happy. I mean, yeah, they're harmful, but so are many things that make people feel good. Everyone has their vice of choice, and if you don't, damn, I envy you. Well hey, since this post has taken on more of an honest tangent than I initially set out to write, I may as well run with it. So yeah, I don't like being sober. It sucks. I have to endure reality, depression, loneliness, and so much else that I'd rather just ignore, at all costs, even if it means a short, fucked up life of no value. I'd be "happy", or at least "not in pain". I could handle life, and all the shit that comes with it, because I'd be too blitzed to care. Why is that bad? Why is simply living life for myself, albeit shortening a life I wouldn't want to lengthen anyway, and being "happy" every possible moment a bad thing. Why is this wrong? To not care, to not need, and to simply continue a mundane, intoxicated life, with no purpose, meaning, or influence on anything, to simply be chill, content, and apathetic.

Why is that wrong?

....

Because I'm worth more than that, maybe?

Because I don't know why, but every time I ask myself those very questions, all I can ever come up with is "I can't be that way, it's wrong because it's wrong, and although I don't know why, and I sure as hell don't feel "good", I just can't allow myself to slip that far down, I can't, so, I won't, and even if it sucks, and even if it means I'm depressed, and even if I have to go it alone (and please do not take offense, but I am willing to accept that which I may have known all along, being, one who serves the greater good of others will always {and must always, on at least some level} be alone), I will. I've never felt anything so driving, ever, and to even think of becoming a righteous, strong, and truly "good" human being brings tears to my eyes. Not sadness at all, but hope, meaning, something that has never felt anything less than 100% I MUST DO THIS!"

That's why.

And so, I realize I'm not free yet, and won't be for a bit, and to even get into my "plan" would make some of you roll your eyes I'm sure, but, it's a work in progress. I am sticking with it. Tonight, I'm totally sober; a new thing I'm trying, and one I hope to embrace more as time goes on. There are still going to be times when I hang out with people, or go to parties, and I honestly will not know how to act, as I've long relied on alcohol to loosen me up, so, I'll need to relearn interaction, and maybe grow comfortable with just being me. We'll see.

Anyway, yeah, didn't intend to get into all that, actually, I wanted to not say anything about any of that, but I'm too damn open with my life, and it's not like there's anything else going on in my life to talk about, so why not, hey?

Forgive the typos, I'm tired and'll be going to sleep soon, and I really don't care to reread all of that; heh, trust me, I'm well aware of all that's coursing though my head, and the yearn to hide once again. My current plan is to run vice out as I ride out the rest of this....unfortunate year. Who says 7's a lucky number? Aw hell, whatever, 4's my lucky number and that's the year I ended up in the ER, so, who knows. I've never really paid much mind to 8, so perhaps next year'll be awesome.

I hope to do my part to make it so. Heh, well, I guess this is it, huh? Either I'll finally rid myself of crutches, and stand as a man on my own, or fail catastrophically, and, well, let's not worry about how that might turn out. I am, I think, an optimist. I have to believe that things can get better, by ones own hand, and although life might not end up happy", we still have options to make it so.

I hope, anyway.

Quitting is only the first step, and on one level, the easier part. The thing I have no idea how to go about doing is the filling life back up with good things. What do I do? Get a hobby? Yeah, okay, let me just pull something I enjoy out of my ass here and, oh hey, look, it's a beer bottle (no comments about there being a beer bottle up my ass....thanks). But seriously though, I mean, I'll need to learn to actually care about myself, and life, and trying to perpetuate all of that, though before that I have to come up with something I like to do?

*cricket*

I like graphically violent things, horror, wanting to become a big strong knightly dude, uh, kittens?

(no, i'm not getting a kitten. at least, not until i can take care of myself, at least)

Hell, I don't know; this post probably only makes half sense anyway. And I'm tired. I only have to muddle my way through tomorrow, and I'm golden for a 5 day weekend. Full of....thinking....yeah.

Maybe I can get out for a bit if the weather isn't total crap. I don't know. You'd think coming up with things one finds entertaining would be easier, like, why is this so difficult?

('course, one would also think eating regularly, and not replacing ones already meager diet with, at times, more beer, would come naturally as well. Yeah. Talk about gettin' screwed when it came time to hand out supernatural powers. And I wanted to throw fireballs, or be really, really strong!)

****

Although, years from now when I'm looking back on this, after slaying my 7th dragon and taking on the love an affection of yet another gorgeous princess, I don't think I'll laugh, rather, I'll simply be thankful that I was able to turn things around, and not succumb to evil.

Dammit, I'm too good to be a waste. I need to revisit a small degree of vanity. Rekindle some of that fire that pissed me off when justice went unserved. Incorporate some gall and brashness into my life, at least for now, until I develop the self.

But, before any of that....I have to go to bed. Yeah.

And I think I'll actually post this, as, what have I to fear? Honesty is best. No secrets, no reservations; let it all ride.

Time to start enjoying and embracing life, as opposed to just aimlessly existing.

(let's hope i feel that way tomorrow, or at the very least, the day after that, hey?)

Pullin' on bootstraps.

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 04:04:24 GMT

Some thing's just aren't up to you, fortunately. A lot is, hence why you're going through what you are right now, but a few things are rooted so deep in the makeup of that which you are, on a basic and all consuming level that when certain chords are struck, it doesn't matter, you will act.

And act I did.

Even got all the way up to a window, which showed me that everything was alright, before turning around and heading back to the car. The adrenaline proves I'd have probably not been 100% on things had I gone through with it, but still, sometimes a man (not even a knight) has to act.

Luckily enough there're a few knights left in this world it seems, and an awkward moment was avoided.

(still, i acted, which tells me i'm not totally lost, to anything, and that's at least worth a few exp, hey?)

****

This week was stressful, more than I''l say, but all in all I think it helped. I feel like there really are options for me to embrace more the life I wish to live. It'll suck, especially now in the beginning, but in the long run this transition is what I need, if I am ever to make anything of myself.

And that's why I'm here.

Ain't no way I'd still be here if there weren't SOME reason; something I have yet to do. I've given God more than one chance to take me home or cast me down, and yet here I remain. Ha! And if these past couple weeks ain't been the divine slap in the face I needed, I don't know what COULD be. Seriously, at times, it's almost been laughable. Ah whatever, sometimes things need to get to such a point where even a total dunce like me gets it. And no, I ain't claimin' to be "all better" by any means; no, that'll take time. 'Cause really, I'm not broken, just, lost a bit, bummed out, worn down? Nothin' that can't be repaired and rebuilt with time. And time, is something I have more of; I just need to spend it wisely.

Today I went and got some things I've needed for, well, a while now. Tomorrow I hit up the market, finish running errands, and prepare for the week ahead. Peter's Bday Monday, Dad's Tuesday, and since we made our monthly goal at work, I get Wednesday off in addition to Thursday and Friday; 5 day weekend, yo!

Yeah, we'll see. Next Sunday I'm scheduled to help with the making of a turkey, so, hopefully I don't botch that. Can't say the shame and guilt I feel towards that group ain't gonna have some effect, but then, I was invited, so maybe it's not too late.

****

One should never ask for forgiveness, as it does nothing but ease the mind of the requester, and nothing to alleviate the harm against the forgiver. Instead, one should seek to learn from ones wrongful actions, look to not repeat similar things in the future, and become a better person to those offended initially, and all others one is in contact with henceforth.

You can live your life always regretting, succumbing to guilt, and never being able to change the scars left in time. Or, you can repent, learn, and continue with life knowing you may yet again fail and cause grief, but try your best to minimize the evil, and uphold the good.

I am sorry.

I cannot apologize enough.

But I hope to someday mend the bridges I've marred with callous acts and depressive absence. I am, in some ways, a lot worse off than I even thought. Time will help me build, and grow, and strengthen. I wish to be a man you may all be proud of, and even, a man I would be proud to be. I realized not long ago that I've not cared, about some really basic things, for a long time now. If I can learn focus, and incorporate some better life maintenance skills, I might yet make it someday to "level 1 human".

And from there, who knows?

****

I think I might go for a walk. 'Not too cold out, plus I've been trying to do that more, and it's too late for laundry. Yeah, I think I will.

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 22:13:17 GMT

Life, is hard.

And last night I made a promise; one that is going to make my life from here on out even harder.

The first step, is to stop.

Now really ain't the time, what with everything going on, but then, maybe now is when change is needed most.

****

It's glaringly obvious that something needs to change; let's hope it's ultimately, for the better.

('couldn't get much worse, I suppose)

Last, possible, minute....

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 15:09:47 GMT

I should probably do some laundry, and run by the market really quick for hair stuff, and, oh yeah, steal something to pack my shit in from Dads, as I have no luggage....

4 hours 'til take off, huh? Yeah, that should be enough time.

(have to allow time for the requisite strip search due to my traveling light and buying tickets so late.)

****

Viva Arizona. At least it's warm there....

On a random Thursday, of no importance.

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 02:38:19 GMT

Well, shit.

Fuck this, I don't get it. Not. At. All.

(maybe next monday, we'll see.)

****

So I was moved around at work today. I'll no longer share an office with the girl that seems ever more intent on hookin' up with me (seriously, no, dude, I mean, come on. this shit's hittin' me, hard, how the fuck could i even THINK about anything else? And besides, downtime's the only way i'll get to where i need to; yeah, no, even if i have to cut 'em off and keep 'em in a fuckin' jar. no.), and will now enjoy a view over looking the entire Flatirons Mall, and incidentally, the beauty of the front range. Seriously, 8th floor up, overlooking the mountains? Can't complain, not a bit.

But, of course, I still do.

****

This weekend I go to witness a pair of really incredible people betrothed to each other tie the knot. Admittedly, I might not be in the best of "yeay marriage" spots in my life right now, but that don't matter a lick. These two are somethin' special. Something to identify what "love" should be all about. They're totally into one another, share life together, and you can just see it in their eye; that thing called love. Heh, well, shit, I ain't gonna get into it, except to say that I'm happy for them, and highly fortunate that they are the forgiving type, as anymore, I find that's what I need most.

*sigh*

Yeah, well....

You know, I just had an image pop up. Of a time when things were, simpler? When the pairing was different, long before anything took place. When friends were known, and awkwardness, was sorta fun. Too late then, still, but damn, how is it that life can be SO different a scant few years later? I don't get it. But then, I'm a pretty daft one, huh? Slow to get the picture, and stubborn to a goddamn fault. Shit, were I any more fucked up, I'd be a cracked out coke addict suckin' code from another rock.

Ha! Well, at least that ain't me. I got, stuff. And a job. A car. And dammit, I know what's right, and try to uphold it! Albeit not very often, and usually rather shabbily, but still, I try. There are a might plenty guys out there that don't. They take, and fuck shit up, and don't pay a damn about any but their own. Well, yeah, at least I've a good heart leadin' my way. I'm nice enough. Maybe lackin' in a great many other things, but shit, I at least bring white chips to the table, hey?

That's right, I do.

Tch. But still, I don't get it. Eh, hell, when it's all said and over, I don't right need to. Just so long as my ticker ain't up, and I've time to amend the sins I've caused. Turn things 'round a bit. Maybe even end up, happy.

Heh, yeah well, no holdin' breath on that one....

Well, let's not write a fuckin' fantasy novel here, hey? You're right, I'd best tend to what needs tendin' before I shove off for the weekend. Time away, to focus on other, happier things. Might clear my head a bit. Who knows.

I do know this. I don't have to go to work tomorrow, and that's right on. No stress of "what was I doing next?" for a few days at least, and come Monday, I've an abatement to write; one I've literally been trying to finish up all week, were it only not for the constant "hey Mike, do this too" goin' on. I don't mind certainly, rather, I enjoy it, but damned if it doesn't wear me out, and cause my head to spin.

****

Well, enough o' that. Have a good night, and may your lives be fairing....well enough.

Keepin' in the Loop

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 19:07:04 GMT

Got everything hashed out.

I'm leaving at noon tomorrow, arriving at 2:30pm or so. Wedding's at 6pm, so that should work well. I'm staying at the Radison at the airport (like, 2 or 3 miles away) and will also have a low end car at my disposal. Stay through Sunday and leave again around noon.

My only question now is what to wear to the wedding. Nothing too fancy I know, but what constitutes "fancy enough"? Maybe a shirt, tie, slacks, nice shoes, etc.? No suit I imagine, right? Any thoughts?

****

And yeah, 'might be good to get outta dodge for a bit. "Getting away" might not be half bad, hey? I can reevaluate things, and work on "life" when I get back. Yeah, let's run with that.

Of Knights, and Queens.

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 06:30:30 GMT

How do I start this, but to say, queens are royalty, and knights are in the service of such.

Queens are regal, beautiful, and command the attention and affection of others. Knights wage war, fight against many hardships, and if they are lucky, someday find their damsel in distress. A queen would have many suitors , all noble, as she is, and who shall woo her with the finest riches in the land. A knight knows only the victory through his blade, the protection of his armor, and courage that comes from within.

A queen should not settle, for she is of higher birth, and as such, requires one fitting of her. One that can offer her a life truly suited towards happiness throughout the years. Her sheer presence demands love, and captivates all that dare look upon her. She is all that any could ever want, but not one for any; truly a class above.

A knight endures challenge, and hopes to overcome it. He will fight, both tooth and nail against dragons and villains alike. He is righteous, honorable, and stands ready to serve his queen and country alike.

But the two shall never end together.

The queen lives high away in her castle, as the knight guards from a distance. No matter the love he has for his queen, she must remain afar, for such romance could never be. He will die young in her name, and be content, for she must live on as a shining star to light the way for all those around her. She is leagues above him, and all that he hopes to achieve. This is fine, however, as both have their place, purpose, and duty in this life.

Should the queen ever decide, it will be a king that graces her steps. A knight may one day slay the dragon holding a princess, at best, or perhaps the dragon will slay him. No matter. The knight knows no fear, and will fight on; a life of strength and valor.

....

I am no knight.

I am but a peasant; with a dream.

I hope to someday put down the hoe, and pick up the sword. Closet my burlap clothing for a suit of metal and chain. Charge heroically into battle for the good of the queen and all else in the land.

I shall.

Someday.

But currently, I have fields in need of tending. Once I can prove myself a worthy pawn, perhaps then shall I bend on one knee and take my oath. Until that day, I shall practice; swing wooden swords, and dreaming of a time where I might become, more. Dreams are all I can muster now, but soon, I hope to make such dreams a reality.

****

Life's hard. Full of twists, turns, and ambitions unfulfilled. I am, not at my best right now. It seems life's gotten the better of me as of late, but that's not to say I'm done. It hurts, of course it does. Thoughts and memories plague me, and sometimes I can't shake them, but that was a dream not intended for me, and upon waking, I know what I must do.

Sadly, I'm still weak from having only just awoken. My arms feel like lead, and my eyes still burn from the brightness of light. I am feeble, unsure, and a bit scared. But I shall acclimate. My eyes will open, and I shall see the path that lies in front of me. Walking is hard, as my legs still tingle with numbness, but feeling will return to them soon.

And when they do, I shall stand, and walk the path I've always known to be in front of me. It is a trail so long forgotten that the brambles and trees have all be reclaimed it. I see it, however buried within the foliage. I know it's there, and if need be, I will hack the path clean with my blade. The thorns shall not pierce my armor, and when I finally face my dragon, be he guarding a princess fair, riches beyond imagine, or nothing at all, I will slay him, or die trying. This is my lot. This is my purpose. A sword in the name of justice and righteousness.

Such is the life of a knight. Such is the life I am compelled to follow. This is not my choice, for it is deeper that thought; it is within the very essence of my being. This, I must do. And although I hate that I am not there now, I must remain focused, take it one step at a time, and realize that there is a time and place for everything; both recession and progression. The ebb and flow of life.

Now, I lick my wounds, and take time to mend. I rely on the crutch of things I must someday leave behind, and take each moment as it comes. Small steps at first. Basic needs, followed by the building of the self. Finally there will be a time when I can hold my head up high, and brashly proclaim my readiness. I fear I am still a ways away from this, but as long as I hold my goal closely, it shall not escape me, and I will one day find myself embarking upon my journey.

Soon.

Please let it be soon.

This is the wish of a peasant, who would be a knight, and perhaps someday, rule his own kingdom. It starts with a dream, and ends in reality. Let this be my destiny, by my own hand, and by the grace of all that is good.

Grant me the strength to be more than I am, and more than I even think I can be. Let me serve, and die valiantly in such service. Use me to a ends that will better those around me; my queen and countrymen alike.

And if not, then so be it, I shall take the strength I need myself, and all else be damned! I will succeed! I will overcome! I will make this world my own!

....

As soon as my soul mends, and body once again obeys me, that is, of course.

****

Tomorrow, is another day.

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 03:10:20 GMT

Sadness, consumes me.

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 04:10:06 GMT

....

The life and times of Mike.

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 01:17:50 GMT

TICK ~ TOCK ~ TICK ~ TOCK ~TICK ~ TOCK ~ TICK ~ TOCK ~TICK ~ TOCK ~ TICK ~ TOCK ~ TICK....

(either the time passing far to rapidly, or my brain winding down; you choose)

****

(commence complaining)

1) Hunter Douglas, after issuing me a $1,000 check (admittedly, one I wasn't sure why they were sending me) recently revoked said check, and now I am $1,000 short. Nothing I can't rebound from, but still, it sucks.

2) I still need to pay bills, and otherwise finance things and commitments I have upcoming (i've not forgotten, i've just had gamera fly overhead a squeeze a big greasy smear of rocket toe jam on my current situation. i am going, if you'll have me, i'm just a bit....*tick ~ tock ~ tick ~tock* right now)

3) I'm fighting it, trying to, but admittedly not winning all the time. I am trying. It's a hard fight right now; I hope it'll get better soon.

4) I have to finish writing an abatement for work. Abatements (in our context) are sob stories laid out chronologically, depicting facts and convincing arguments in an attempt to sway the IRS into negating penalties and interest accrued on a clients principle liability. (ie. the portion they tacked onto the amount owed in taxes because it was late and so on. the IRS can be lenient in waving such fees; that is, if we can convince them. currently, i am trying to convince them to release $17,117.00 from my clients total liability owed. after all the deaths and health issues alone this lady's had to endure, it shouldn't be a problem. i will say that today was the stage for possibly my least favorite phone conversation ever, when i had to ask for the names and causes or death for various family members of hers. she seemed alright with it, and i assured her it would help with the abatement, so, i guess i'd better do a good job, huh? well, i would anyway, but this is entirely too much information originally unintended for the parenthesis, so, let's continue).

*oh, and as an aside, we have the names of the 4 people in my office on our door, and should we, say, go to the bathroom, we would put a sticky note under our name, saying what it is we're doing. this of course is hardly EVER used the way it was intended, and instead has become the basis for being silly and writing crazy things under each of our respective names. for instance....

seeing as how i had to focus hard on writing a gripping tale of this clients stroke with bad luck....i felt a special, and completely unmisleading message had to be created; and it went something like this:

Mike is:

Masterfully Abating!

(why yes, i was rather proud of myself)

****

Alright, speaking of which, I best get to Masterabating right now! No time to chit chat. This client's depending on me. (of course, i might just get up really early tomorrow morning and say fuck it, as, my brain is pretty much mush from the day prior).

Well, we'll see.

(/complaining)

****

Edit:

I've just decided I want "Masterabater" put on a shirt now, and shall of course, wear it to work....

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 21:09:55 GMT

Damn, I'm tired. Wore out, more like. An' this weekend's not going to help any, bein' that'll be out on the plains, chasing imaginary deer, cold, and wishing I was at home with a beer, doing nothing.

Ah well; so it goes. No parties for me, though, 'don't know if I'd go anyway; 'just not feelin' it, hey?

I don't know. Eh, whatever.

2 hours to go, followed by mad packing I've not yet done, and then a 3 hour trip to the middle of nowhere.

....yep.

****

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 18:43:10 GMT

I should have internet back up later on this evening, so, well see.

****

Maybe I am sad.

****

I do appreciate everyones concern right now, I just, yeah. 'Hard to bring ones self around sometimes.

****

It's cold.

Here!

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 16:12:17 GMT

Not dead. My internet at home is on the fritz, and I need to call Comcast to get it resolved. Until then, breif moments at work are all I get.

Life's odd, and confusing, but maybe in a good way? I try to just roll with things for the time being, since I don't know, and fill my time with the various things that need to get done. I must admit that it is interesting in its randomness. I look forward to seeing how things continue.

Work is busy, I'm learning a lot, though for the next while yet, it's going to be stressful having to cram my mind with everything.

Your concern is appreciated, but I'm fine. Or if not completely so now, I will be at some point. I ask for patience if I can, and failing that, acceptance that I must do what I have to in coping with the realities I face.

Last week was a bit of a downward turn, but I'm trying to ride the current upswing I'm on. Focus within. Do what I need to get by, and build strength where I can. I am strong, I just need to remember that. And not let things drag me down.

Stand by me if you find worth. Let me go if you don't. I am human. I will fail at time. But ultimately, I shall succeed.

A long way to go, I know, and there an certainly trials ahead, but small steps will keep me moving. I just need to remember this, and stay focused.

Be zen.

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 06:39:32 GMT

Yeah....

But whatever though, right?

****

Poltergeist was entertaining on the big screen.

****

I won (literally) 1 dozen (yes, I figured I should stop at 12) toys from the D&B wonder catcher machine. There were some girls that wandered over and thought it funny that I'd won so many, so I told them if they wanted any of the plushies, they'd be welcome to them; they each took one of their choice. I donated the rest, but kept 4 for decorations; oh yeah, they were all halloween toys, so, now I've a few more decorations.

I think I'll look into getting more this weekend to decorate the place up a bit. We'll see.

****

Tomorrow I get off work at 1pm (after working through my normal 12pm - 1pm lunch) and will be going to the Hibachi place at the Promenade; my team won it's monthly incentive apparently, and I get to reap the benefits. I plan on getting as tanked as my coworker who's going with, and since she's a drinker, I should end up fairly sauced.

And yeah, I remember my previous promise to wait 'til the weekend to drink any, but like I said, I'd jinxed myself at that very moment to have a shitty time and end up needing a drink, and what can I say, except that I ain't that strong yet. Yet. Someday, maybe, but right now, shit, I got no where else to go.

(and yes, tonight was no exception)

If that disappoints you, so be it. I'll just have to accept it, since I'm plum out of care right now. Better to not feel at all, hey? Yeah, I know, the sauce is talkin' for me at this point, so I'd best keep my yap shut.

****

I miss Dan and Jacqueline. I'd like to be able to hang out with them more on a regular basis.

****

I know I should sleep, but I'm not ready yet, so, I think I'll watch so Berserk first. Yep. Such is my life. At least I get Japanese food and drinks tomorrow, so, sleep can suffer a bit.

(i wonder if i'll ever get to sleep at a decent time again. as long as i'm entertained, i suppose i don't care really. though now, i'm not very entertained)

That's my que; g'night everybody....

I just wanna sit here, for at least a couple minutes....

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 23:30:15 GMT

Well, this is pretty much what I figured my first week'd be, hey? Come home from work every night, tired as all hell, and then immediately turn around and do something with whatever residual energy I can muster. It's a transition I suppose. Besides, for me all around, it's better to just stay busy.

And, I don't know. I mean, I'm tired, but since I left my ID at home last night, I didn't drink any. Although beer usually goes hand in hand with vball, I sort of don't want to drink tonight either. Heh, there goes my extremist mode again; at least it's manifesting in a favorable manner, I suppose.

So yeah, I think I'll stay dry this week, and maybe wait for the weekend. Of course, shit, now I've totally jinxed myself, and will have nothing but puree horse fuck for the rest of this week, and'll have no means to take the edge off. Well fuck, if it happens, it happens. 'Can't be hidin' in a bottle anyway.

Ah well, 'guess that's where stayin' busy comes in, hey?

'Best be gettin' ready for vball; seems like I just got home, and now I'm already leaving again.

(oh wait, that's EXACTLY what happened)

****

No rest for the wicked I suppose. 'Think tonight'll consist of making dinner, running my rent check....shit, I still need to pick up that package; should've done that Sunday like it was suggested. Eh. I'll do it....tomorrow....maybe. But yeah, rent check, maybe jog if I feel like fuckin' He-Man later after all that, then crash out/die of exhaustion.

Hey, it's a life.

Return of the the LUNCH POST!

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 18:39:21 GMT

'Boss didn't like my hair slicked back; 'said it was "cock blocking" me at work. Apparently there's "a lot of tail" goin' around. Ha! I informed him that I NEVER wear my hair like that, and promptly messed it up; he liked that better. At least he dug on my black and white docs. I shall definitely need more shoes, and, clothes in general. 'Wonder how late Buffalo Exchange is open; probably not very, so, I might have to wait until this weekend. I SERIOUSLY need new threads, since, I can wear what I want to work; this is SO COOL!

A run to the market wouldn't be bad either. Oh! And exercise equipment, since I'll be starting things NEXT week; 'figured I'd best give this week to starting the new, and not burning out.

Day 2 seems to be going by much quicker than day 1. 'Still like my team, they seem to like me, and I think the 3 of us will do well together.

Tonight's Vball, then dinner tomorrow, and Poltergeist on Thursday, followed by packing/helping Dad with stuff on Friday, hunting Saturday, hopefully shopping on Sunday, then another week of work. I'm thinking that Monday, Wednesday, and Friday will need to be my "alone" nights so as to not break an exercise/eat healthy routine. I could probably still hang out, but only for a little bit. If people want to come over for a late dinner on those nights, I'd be down, but otherwise I need to focus on the self; and be rigid about it. And since Tuesday is vball, that leaves Thursday, Friday night, and the weekends for doin' stuff. Ah well, it's all in the name of bettering myself, which is and should be, number 1.

And after finding that getting up at 6:45am left me a bit rushed to be at work by 8:00am, I think I'll bump it back to 6am. Which means an 11pm (or so) bedtime on weeknights. Hell, there goes my social life. Ha! Yeah right. I'll still do things, just maybe, not as often. We'll see.

Alright, back to work I go. There may be more Lj time spent later, depending on game time/diner/jogging/etc. Please continue to forgive my lack of responses, or, everything in general, as you've been doing since, well, since you've known me. ;)

Have a good one!

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 06:26:24 GMT

*glazed look*

I....am tired.

I'll clean tomorrow. Volleyball effectively kicked my ass, and although we didn't win any of the matches we were up against, I did play well; the other teams were simply better.

But now, I'm beat.

And tomorrow's a big, exciting day! Best get some sleep, hey? Yeah, I need it. Heh, my body's about to give up on me anyway I think. ;)

G'night all.

cough

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 17:52:09 GMT

*guitar fade in*

I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feeling down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

You're the one who makes me come running
You're the sun who makes me shine
When you're around I'm always laughing
I want to make you mine

I close my eyes
And see you before me
Think I would die
If you were to ignore me
A fool could see
Just how much I adore you
I get down on my knees
I'd do anything for you

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

*guitar solo*

I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feeling down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

I want you
I don't want anybody else
And when I think about you I touch myself
Ooh, oooh, oooooh, aaaaaah

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself~oh~oh~oh!
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

I touch myself, I touch myself
I touch myself,I touch myself
I touch myself,I touch myself

I honestly do, I touch myself
I touch myself,I touch myself
I honestly do, I touch myself....

****

Oh yeah.

'Guess gettin' up before noon'll be good practice for next week, hey?

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 04:53:13 GMT

Alright, I've only actually gotten up at noon, like, a few times, but I have to admit 9 or 10's a nice start to the morning.

****

Early (relatively) night for me, hey? I'm headin' up to Kyle's tomorrow morning to go with him to scope out the paintball place and talk with the producers. Damn, and I should have totally bought some oversized 70's cop/pimp glasses for the occasion. Yeah....

So, we'll see how this shindig is run. Plus, we'll most likely get to play some paintball!

And Peter totally pointed out that if this pans out, I'll totally finally realize my life long dream of getting paid to shoot people for a living! Whoo~hoo! And not to mention the pussy!

****

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Aw shit, that was totally for Peter, but we're both crackin' up too much for me to delete it now.

G'night everybody!

On second thought....

swallow_counter@yahoo.com — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 22:13:21 GMT

....fuck ghost hunting; it's only really fun if you can feed off the energy of someone else. Besides, I'd want a video camera, and I know Kyle has one with night vision, so maybe I'll get with him. Besides, I made a promise to not decorate my place for Halloween until October, and ghost hunting before the appropriate month seems lame too.

(besides, i don't need to add to my "damn this would be more fun with someone else, mentality)

So, I'll do that later.

Instead, I will use this evening to figure out how I can ever hope to look like sabelrassler, as, damn, just, damn....

(i know you probably can't see what i'm referring to, but jesus christ is that boy hot, no seriously, and i ain't sayin' i want him, rather, i want to BE him, or at least a similar version of myself. hell, if he keeps postin' pics, it'll be all the motivation i need to get MY ass in shape.)

Let's see.

I need a place to work out, and starting next week when I go back to work, exercise at midnight+ won't be an option, so, C's facility is out.... I might have to bite the bullet and join a gym. I plan on wailing on the punching bag for a bit everyday to build tendon strength, but that's nothing really. So, a work out place is needed. Maybe I'll reference gyms around town and see what deals they've got going. And I do think a gym's the way to go, as one needs to be intelligent to use correctly (and not hurt them self with) free weights. Machines are more or less fool proof, and that's me to a "T". Wait, how many "t's" are in fool again?

I also need to eat healthy, and, regularly. More fruits and veggies, and less carbs (not NO carbs, but less). And dare I say....no more alcohol? I've tried it before, and failed, but I think if I go back to cutting out beer, and stick to wine (and only during dinners with friends, or other occasional social events), I should be fine. ie, no more beer bong (sorry jessi....). Wait, what about a wine bong?

(i think i just felt my liver cry)

Exercise and food. Rigorously. And really, that shouldn't be a problem for me, as once I can work it around my 8 - 5, I should be able to set up a routine. I need this. Really. When I feel all bummed out and go jog or exercise, I feel great afterwards; like I did something. Plus, shit, I can't continue to be the most physically unattractive guy I know....my ego's involved now, and vanity is a mean tool.

****

Alright, tonight I gather info. Tomorrow I see what's out there. And from then on, I finally start building.

Ha! See!? There's so much to do! I can't possibly worry about this or that; 'got my own life to live. And I'm sure the more I focus on that, the better everything else will get. Or, I won't care, as then I'll be pretty, and pretty people don't have to worry, as a general rule. ;)